Madness
by Aianoir
Summary: On the urging of Hermione, Harry begins to keep a diary, starting after the events of the graveyard. Warning: This will contain 'off screen' slash. This is/will be a Dark Harry fic, meaning it is an AU fic. Harry will not be the sanest of individuals. (This fic is in a diary format.)
1. Diary Entry 1

Apparently, I'm supposed to write 'Dear Diary' or however these things work. Hermione thought this would be a good idea. Why did I listen to her? I'm not 'emotionally distraught'. I'm not!

Anyhow, Dear Diary…...Dear Diary…(ink splotches)

I saw Voldemort today. He was an ugly, mutated, decrepit baby like thing. He didn't stay that way. No. Unfortunately. Wormtail popped him in a cauldron, and out popped tall, pale and snakelike. I should have asked him why snakelike. I wonder would he have answered? Probably not…...or with a crucio…..again.

Okay then, enough of those morbid thoughts. On to something more important. How to grow your own dark lord in a minute flat. Okay. What you need are four, simple ingredients any dark lord worth his salt could find. These are.

One baby-like dark lord, bone of the father, flesh of the servant, blood of the enemy.

Using a large cauldron (I did not ask the size, so I do not know) bring potion base to a boil.

Add one baby-like dark lord.

Add the bone of the father. Powdered bone seems to work well. Recite: 'Bone of the father, unknowingly given, you will renew your son.'

Add flesh of the servant. Apparently a whole hand works. Recite: 'Flesh of the servant, willingly given, you will revive your master.'

Add blood of the enemy. Apparently freshly drawn works well. Recite: 'Blood of the enemy, forcibly taken, you will resurrect your foe.'

Optional: Blather about how the 'dark lord shall rise again'. I don't think this part is necessary.

If done correctly, your dark lord shall step from the cauldron, all mysterious and regal.

Hermione will probably try to read this. Does the word privacy mean anything to her? For all she knows, I could be writing very naughty things in here. I bet she'd complain if I did. Why does she always expect us to know what she is going on about? What does she mean by 'write about your feelings'? What if you don't know what you are feeling?

I should stop writing now and go to bed.

* * *

Author's note:

To all those waiting on my other fics, I apologize, I am going through writers block. They are all on hold until further notice. I kindly ask you all not to send me a PM demanding that I update.

Anyway. This was a little plot bunny that came to me by chance. I hope you all enjoy it.


	2. Diary Entry 2

Dear Diary,

It is day…..16?...of my stay here in Durskaban. All is well.

No really! My loving relatives have left me be. I wonder what Remus said to them during their chat at Kings Cross? It must have been important for they have left me alone and even provided three meals per day plus regular bathroom breaks. Use of the shower each day is a bonus too.

If Hermione reads this, be proud, I have officially completed all my summer essays and homework. Merlin knows there is fuck all else to do here. Yes, Hermione, I swore. Deal with it.

Besides, you won't be reading any further entries by me. I'll be learning a few security charms. As my friend, you should know how much my privacy means to me. It's for your own good.

I think I should write a letter to Padfoot and Moony, thanking them for the reading material they supplied. Look out world, I, Harry Potter, shall no longer be a dunce at magical knowledge….hopefully.

* * *

Author's Note:

I thought I might as well post this today, seeing as it is done.


	3. Diary Entry 3

Dear Diary,

Haha, success! Try and read this diary now, Hermione, I dare you!

Padfoot and Moony were quite proud of me for learning the array of privacy charms in record time, one day sooner than Mum apparently. I admit I am proud of myself.

They have sent me more books but more importantly, they have…..informed me….of very crucial information. Apparently, the trace is very specific in what it records as an offense. Underage sorcery is apparently permitted to be performed at home. Durskaban is registered as my home now. So the trace is disabled here. Wonderful.

Odd that where I live wasn't known by the Ministry until after the incident with Dobby before my second year. Whose fault was that, I wonder?

No wonder Hermione has always returned to Hogwarts knowing new spells, now that I think about it. She was practising at home. Why didn't she ever tell me?

I've decided to learn the muggle repelling charm. That will come in handy, I say. Uncle Vernon is about to snap soon and I don't want him coming after me.

* * *

Author's Note:

I have decided to post three chapters as a start. Enjoy.


	4. Diary Entry 4

Dear Diary,

I….the nightmares….I…..Cedric…...Merlin, Cedric…..I'm so sorry.

(Incomprehensible due to the ink running and water stains.)

Why! Why you?...Why you?

* * *

Author's Note:

A short one but full of emotion. Poor Harry.


	5. Diary Entry 5

Dear Diary,

My birthday has just passed. I've stopped counting the days. I've spent the whole time learning new spells. Hermione will be proud….or jealous. I cannot find it in me to care either way.

I asked Remus to send me as many magical theory books as possible. There are some questions I have that I hope the books will answer.

Sirius sent me a small book on all the essential spells any wizard should know, geared towards someone who lives in the muggle world. Apparently, it was Mums.


	6. Diary Entry 6

Dear Diary,

I'm being collected tomorrow and brought to the Burrow. I'm unsure if I even want to leave. It would mean having to put up with my…..friends again. I received no letters at all from them, Hermione or Ron. The Twins, Remus and Sirius all managed to find the time to write, why not them?

(Large blotch of ink.)

Vernon tried to punish me for the first time since the holidays began. Thank you, Remus and Sirius, a confundus worked like, well, a charm.

Aunt Petunia hasn't spoken to me all summer and Dudley hasn't even approached me. Odd.

Not as odd as the unseasonal hail shower we had the other day though. That was odd. I wouldn't have fancied being outside in that. It got very cold too, bone-chillingly so.

* * *

Author's Note:

The Dursleys are basically canon in this, so the urge to crucio Vernon isn't as strong as it should be.

To address Harry's practice of magic. I've always wondered how Herminoe was so well...practiced...with her spells. There is no way that she'd have been so good with spells if it was just theory she was learning. Spells need practice, muscle memory needs to learned and you do that through practice. My headcanon is that there was an exception to the law for under age wizards who lived in the muggle world, and that Hermione practiced at home.


	7. Diary Entry 7

Dear Diary,

I thought I was going to the Burrow. Instead, I'm brought to this…..house. Sirius's house apparently. The house of Black. A dump would be a more pleasant place to stay. The place gives the word decrepit a whole new meaning.

There is this portrait that keeps screeching randomly and insulting everyone that passes. There is also a deranged house elf. This place is very weird.

Then there are the people, the random people who keep showing up. Of course, they all know who I am, who fucking doesn't? They keep having these secret meetings. Not that I care.

On the plus side, Remus and Sirius are here. They've taken to teaching me the odd spell here and there, much to the envy of Hermione. What's up with her? Can I not have a moment of alone time with my only remaining family? Ron, surprisingly, seems to understand this. He doesn't really care for learning anyway. He's quite happy to play chess, especially against Remus.

Sirius showed me his families library. Only he and I have access. He had one rule. Don't read from the section that has the red and black ribbons, as those books will hurt a non-Black family member.


	8. Diary Entry 8

Dear Diary,

I…..nightmares again. Cedric again. I...why does it hurt so much?

(Large water marks and ink that has run.)

Was he my first crush? He was, wasn't he?


	9. Diary Entry 9

Dear Diary,

I've been having weird dreams of late. A door, of all things. What an odd sort of dream.

I found a book in the library that piqued my interest. Occlumency and Legilimency for Beginners. Apparently, some wizards can read minds. I'm damn well going to protect my mind now that I know that.

I have a confession to make too. I read a book on the Dark Arts, it…...it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Gave me a few ideas on what to use on Malfoy the next time he starts with his superiority complex. He's a right ponce.


	10. Diary Entry 10

FUCK THE WIZARDING WORLD! FUCK THEM ALL AND THEIR OPINIONS, THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME! NOTHING!

(A mess of scribbles and some spilled ink.)

Dear Diary,

I meant what I said. I'm not insane. I'm not insane. He's back! Why won't they believe me? He's back. The stupid fucks are trying to bury their heads in the sand.


	11. Diary Entry 11

Dear Diary,

The nightmares are becoming more frequent. I've been trying to occlude my mind as the book describes but it's not working. Well….it is working, it's just not stopping the nightmares, not fully anyway. I'm able to remember things far more clearly now, sort of, and recall information faster. So that is the upside I'd say.

I'm not as calm as I appear to be to others, however. It's getting to me. I am not insane. I am not mad. I know what I saw. How can an illusion crucio someone? Explain that to me.


	12. Diary Entry 12

Dear Diary,

Hermione's been bugging me. She wants me to sneak books out of the library for her. I told her that I cannot, which is true. Sirius said that only he can take books out and I believe him. I do all my studying in the library. No one other than her seems to have a problem with that.

She keeps her peace, however, as Remus has taken to teaching us all a few spells here and there. That keeps her happy though she is starting to annoy him by writing essays. Is Hermione okay? Now that I look at her, she seems very…...single minded….about some things. Is she bewitched? I think so. I wonder should I say something to Sirius.

* * *

Author's Note:

Thank you to all who reviewed. I would like to say that Harry's decent into darkness will happen slowly. With his 5th year starting soon we'll see his paranoia rise with each diary entry.


	13. Diary Entry 13

Dear Diary,

Everyone thinks I've gone mad. I think accusing Snape of spiking Hermione's food and drink with mind-altering potions was a step too far. She was not bewitched and she wasn't under the influence of any potions. I am still not convinced. There is something else going on and I do not like it.

A little privacy would be nice. They are all trying to spy on me in some way. I can feel their gazes on me everywhere I go. I have a headache on top of all that too. The dreams are getting more frequent and there is this…...pressure….in my mind.

It is very distracting, and with everyone giving me odd looks, it's driving me mad.

* * *

Author's Note:

I won't be changing the way I'm uploading this. It shall be a one entry, one chapter system.


	14. Diary Entry 14

Dear Diary,

How am I feeling today, you may ask. Well, I'm tired. Very tired. I have this near-constant headache now. Sirius thinks its due to being cooped up inside but we weren't allowed go for a walk. It's too dangerous apparently. We got some air in the back garden for a brief time but it didn't help.

Sirius knows I'm learning Occlumency and advised me to try using my barriers to remove the headache if it is as bad as I say. He also told me to cut back on the studying a bit, as I could be straining myself and that is why I have a headache.

Personally, I think it has something to do with that very odd dream about the door. I wonder what the connection is? Is there even a connection?


	15. Diary Entry 15

Dear Diary,

Success! I think. The dreams have stopped. The headache is gone or very dull. I'm able to keep my barriers, weak as they are, up even while sleeping. I'm practising this nonstop and I think I'll keep it up.

We'll be going to Diagon Alley tomorrow. Shopping. School starts in one week. I hope this year isn't like the last.

I've read two more Dark Arts books too. I…..I find the subject fascinating if I'm being honest. One on theory and the other a few spells. Why they are classed as dark I'll never know. They are harmless, if not incredibly useful. I'm going to try learning this healing spell first and perhaps a curse too….maybe….it would be an advantage against Voldemort if he shows up again this year.


	16. Diary Entry 16

Dear Diary,

Did you know a toad could teach? I didn't know a toad could teach. Professor Dolores Umbridge. The Pink Monstrosity. The Toad.

She really does look like a toad. She hates me for some reason too. She tried to taunt me in class about Voldemort coming back. I didn't bite the bait, however. I felt far too calm and let all her comments pass over my head. I think I impressed some of the Slytherin's too.

I'll be keeping an eye on the Toad from now on, however.


	17. Diary Entry 17

Dear Diary,

The Toad has been trying her damnedest to give me detention. When I don't rise to the bait, you can see the poorly hidden anger there. She is persistent. I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop, as it were.

Hermione is annoying me and others too with her 'studying schedules'. Sweet Merlin can that girl not give it a rest. She'll burn out. She wants to schedule my days down to the nearest minute. She can fuck right off, I am not putting up with this shit, not with everything else that's going on.

Half the fucking school hates me, thinks I'm insane. They'd rather believe the Profit and the drivel it spews on a daily basis.

I'm done. I'm just done. I'm done with all of this. The wizarding world can go fuck itself. Loving me one minute, hating me the next. Did I ask for this? No. I did not.

(Scribbles and inks stains.)

I'm just….not going to care anymore, plain and simple. I think I should have just left the hat put me in Slytherin.


	18. Diary Entry 18

Dear Diary,

The Toad has finally won. She gave me detention. No reason. Just detention. Not just me either, but many from the younger years too. What is this woman up to?

She made me write lines. The quill carved the words into my hand. It was using my own blood. What sort of sick, twisted fuck does this? To children nonetheless. This bitch has to go.

(Blood stains and ink.)

Hermione has stopped. It may be due to me blowing up on her. She was quite shocked. Ron too but he seemed to be shocked that it had taken this long for me to blow up.

I showed him my hand. He seemed pissed. I've never realized this before but Ron has…...well, apart from being wary of me in our second year and his jealousy last year, always been there for me. He's the only one who has ever apologized to me too. Odd that.


	19. Diary Entry 19

Dear Diary,

I don't feel too good. The detentions…..I…..she is purposely targeting me and others. The pain. The scar refuses to heal. Even the dark healing spell I learned has little or no effect. I'd need the counter curse if there even is one.

I thought the dream was gone. How wrong I was. It's back with a vengeance, a massive headache along with it. It's like sharp needles are being stabbed into my brain. A headache reliever had no effect. It's getting harder to concentrate and sleep is becoming impossible. I haven't given up on Occlumency yet, now more than ever am I using it. I just have to get better.


	20. Diary Entry 20

Dear Diary,

She's taking over the school! Educational Decrees, or whatever she is calling them. The sadistic bint is taking over. She has us like robots, marching around between classes, no speaking, no looking up, no magic and Merlin forbid we have some fun. The life that Hogwarts had…... is now gone.

She has piled on detention after detention, on myself and others. I think she finally got fed up looking for a legitimate reason and decided to just make up her own. The Professors can do nothing. She was reviewing their classes and…...they are scared, scared for us, the students.

She tried to fire Trelawney today. Professor McGonagall is a boss! I hope never sees that I've written that. She'd give that very small smile she does when pleased and then gives me detention until my seventh year.

The dream has finally started to go away again, though I feel I am jinxing myself. There is something seriously fucked up there. Why do I keep dreaming of this door? What is it about? It's bothering me. Is someone sending me these dreams? Is it Voldemort? The tosser better stop! The pain has stopped with the dreams, thank Merlin. A hopping headache during detentions with the toad is not fun.


	21. Diary Entry 21

Dear Diary,

The dream is back with a vengeance and has brought the blasted headache back with it. It feels like someone is driving nails into my skull. It hurts so bad and pain or headache relievers aren't working. Occlumency is my only bet and it does manage to dull the pain somewhat, at least until the dream forces its way through again. Is someone attacking my mind? Is that what is happening? How? Who? Moldyshorts?

I've upped my game, I'm taking to Occluding my mind as much as possible. At least I'm not as hot headed as I was before.

Hermione has been taking of starting a study group for defence. She wanted me to teach people. I shot down that idea fairly quickly. Why should I teach anyone else, when I have my own OWLs to worry about. Not to mention that I have detention every night. Come on Hermione, when exactly do you expect me to sleep? I don't think she liked the fact that I refused. Tough! I'm not letting her push me around anymore.

Sirius sent me a letter, inviting me home for Christmas. I'm so excited. I get to have Christmas with my Godfather. I wonder will Remus be there? I'll have to buy them presents! I wonder will they like some stuff from Zonkos? I know Remus will like chocolate. What to get Sirius though? I'll think on it and see what happens during the next Hogsmeade trip.


	22. Dairy Entry 22

Dear Diary,

Christmas was amazing! Just the day itself alone was amazing. I spent the morning with Sirius, opening presents, eating junk, playing games and planning pranks. Then Remus arrived with the Weasleys, all of them, as in Bill and Charlie Weasley showed up, for lunch. Bloody hell, those two are…...hot. At least I didn't stare or make a fool of myself. Mrs Weasley cooked us a massive feast of a dinner. It was amazing.

Then the seven of us, Sirius, Remus, Fred, George, Bill and Charlie, each planned some major pranks together, after dinner. I then spent the remainder of the day with Ron. It was a good day.

My good mood didn't last for the whole holidays, however. That dream came back with a vengeance shortly after New Years, bringing a massive headache with it. I am really beginning to think that I have been cursed or am being assaulted mentally. I read two books on the mind in the Black library. They've given me some information but also hundreds of more questions.

I guess I'll just have to stick with Occlumency for the time being, though Remus did give me a book on the mind arts for Christmas, which I have begun to read through already. It has given me several ideas already. I just have to get around to implementing them. Here is hoping that I succeed


	23. Diary Entry 23

Dear Diary,

The Toad isn't bothering to have a reason anymore, she just says 'Detention!' and that is it. Why did I come back to this hellhole? Why didn't I say anything to Sirius or Remus? Why haven't I? Is there something stopping me? An enchantment? I don't recall noticing the scar once during the Christmas break, nor do I remember what happened…..until I came back that is. Sweet Merlin, is she cursing us into silence? That bitch!

As I write this know that my brain currently feels like it has been set on fire and is now being stabbed repeatedly. It hurts so bad and with the pain from my latest detention, it's unbearable. That fucking dream is back with a vengeance. What is up with that? Can the person, if they can read this, just fuck off? I don't care about the door, I don't care about any hidden meanings or cryptic messages.

JUST FUCK OFF!

(Torn parchment and spilt ink.)


	24. Diary Entry 24

Dear Diary,

I have had enough. Enough I say. Enough.

The dreams have stopped coming, which is good. But there is now a constant pressure pushing against my mind. This is causing a headache on its own. When I say constant, I mean it too. During the night, classes, detention, practice, all the time. It's driving me insane. I can literally feel myself cracking.

That bitch has me in detentions most nights until late. I...I don't know anymore. Is this all worth it? What did I do to deserve all this? I'm considering killing the bitch. Two words and it's all over.

I'm keeping this one short, the headache is stopping me from thinking straight and it's past midnight.


	25. Diary Entry 25

Dear Diary,

It turns out that Hermione did try to set up a study and resistance group to fight back against the Toad. For some reason, I have been blamed for it. I am writing this before my next detention. I don't know what will happen but it won't be pretty. I will be ready to defend myself, however, mark my words. That bitch, if she tried anything, will be going down.

I wrote a letter to Sirius and Remus, one that I enchanted with a charm they thought me. It will hide what is truly written, making the letter appear like a short, sweet greeting. It will insult someone who is persistent. Hopefully, it will deter anyone from snooping in my mail. I've told them everything, about the dream, about Occlumency and about the Toad and her actions. I hope they find a solution before I have to act.

I've taken to practising magic in secret. Did you know there was a stairway down to the Chamber of Secrets? Who knew? I just asked and stairs formed in the pipe. I love magic. So much so that I've started practising a few spells that would raise eyebrows for certain. Those aren't the only spells however, I'm practising different forms of shields too. I only wish to be able to defend myself. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.

I have to go to detention now. Wish me luck and pray that I don't have to resort to anything…..permanent.


	26. Diary Entry 26

Dear Diary,

I…..I….The past week has been…...eventful…...yeah, eventful.

I guess I should start with my last detention with the Toad. She was waiting for me. I wrote lines as usual. Though she made me write them with a normal quill. It was odd. I only got one line written when she suddenly began to question me, about Dumbledore's plans of all things. As if I'm supposed to know how that old farts mind works. She didn't seem amused when I said this to her. She…...she tried to crucio me. It didn't work. I….I…

She's dead. I killed her. She seemed shocked when I pulled her wand from her hand. Even more so when I pointed at her. I wonder what my expression was like, for I have never seen such a horrified look, pass someone's face before. Two words. So simple and easy. They flowed out of my mouth before I could even think to stop them. Now that I think about it, I doubt I would have stopped myself.

Avada Kedavra! It was all over in a flash of green light. Her body fell with a thud. I replaced the wand in her hand. I wonder…...would the Aurors think it was suicide on her part? Apparently, no one knew I had detention that night, not even Hermione. The Toad had planned on no one finding out. She wanted to torture me.

The whole school seemed shocked by the Toads death, though they certainly did not mourn for her. Dumbledore seemed baffled by her death. He seems to have relaxed a little and shot me a few relieved looks. Okay. So he does care. Somewhat at least.

Does it make me a monster if I say that I enjoyed killing her?

The nightmare came back with a vengeance. Whoever is attacking my mind, burst through last night. My brain feels like it's been ripped open. It hurts so bad. The nightmare was of Sirius, being tortured in some room. What does it mean? Siri is fine and safe at Grimmauld Place. It couldn't be real. It couldn't.

* * *

Author's Note:

Be honest, who expected that? I certainly didn't and I'm the one writing this.


	27. Diary Entry 27

Dear Diary,

The Toad has been forgotten. The Daily Profit announced it as a freak accident or something. To be honest, I wasn't listening to Hermione, much to her annoyance. So what. Why should everyone stop and listen to her whenever she speaks?

Things have more or less returned to normal after the Toads tyranny. I'm still visiting the Chamber of Secrets to practise magic, Charms, Defense and Dark Arts mostly, on a regular basis. Hermione and Ron have both asked at times where I disappear to. I told them to mind their own business. I don't ask them where they go when they want alone time. Both accepted this, I think. Maybe. Hermione seemed a little surprised and had this look of understanding. She shot me a smile and a wink. What does that mean? What did she mean by that? What is she thinking? Ron seemed a little flustered by this. What is going on? What?

I wrote to Sirius and Remus. They are both fine, thank Merlin. Remus sent me a book on uncommon charms and jinxes. It is very interesting and easy to read. It has a good few spells that would be brilliant for pranking. I know I am a son, godson and adoptive nephew of three Marauders but….planning pranks and actually going through with them are two different things. I don't mind planning them, it's great fun and all…..it's just…..I don't feel like pranking anyone.

Why does everyone assume I'll be like dad? I never knew him. These assumptions just get to me at times. They don't seem to realize that I lived with the Dursleys and that it wasn't…...happy. They know nothing about me, truly. If I told them, Sirius and Remus, would they believe me? Would they believe me or claim I'm just a whining teenager? I really don't know.

* * *

Author's Note:

Hermione dear, leave him alone. He's as oblivious as always. Give him time to figure himself out.


	28. Diary Entry 28

Dear Diary,

The Prophet finally leaked information on the Toad and her activities in the school. All of us who had detention were summoned by Madam Pomfrey for an examination. She was horrified by the scars from the blood quills and verbally ripped into Dumbledore for not having the Toad removed from the school sooner. What's shocking is that Dumbledore seemed to agree with her.

I refused to give an interview. The Prophet can go fuck right off. Why should I help them make money while they slandered me all throughout the year? The representative who was sent by the ministry to oversee the interviews looked very guilty when I said this to him, in front of all the other scarred students too. All of them agreed. They were not doing interviews and there was no way they'd be convinced or coerced otherwise.

Hermione has been pestering about something. She wants to know the identity of a 'special someone'. I don't have a special someone. Why does she think that I do? I told her this. She didn't believe me. I don't have someone! Where would I have had the time to find someone?

Ever since she asked, I cannot help but check some people out. My dorm-mates first off. Neville is getting quite tall, now that I've noticed and he is strongly looking too. Séamus is cute and coy. Dean is a hunk. Dammit, Hermione! It doesn't end there though, no.

Malfoy, the ponce that he is, has very striking eyes. I've never noticed before. Too bad he is an arrogant prick, for I believe he will never find someone himself with that attitude of his. Then there was Nott. Fuck, isn't he a little cutie pie. He doesn't like confrontation much. Zabini. Fuck! Zabini is hot. I'm surprised I didn't blush when those dark eyes checked me out. He's Italian, isn't he? Dammit Hermione, why did you have to ask that? Why?

I'm still practising magic in the Chamber of Secrets. Voldy has yet to do something this year. I wonder will he make an appearance? I will be ready for him if he does.


	29. Diary Entry 29

Dear Diary,

YES! YES! YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES!

I don't have to return to the Dursleys this summer. Yes! Apparently, it is too dangerous to return there, or so the headmaster said. I'll be staying with Sirius instead. I'm too happy to even question it all. Yes yes yes yes!

I cannot wait to have access to the library again. I hope Sirius doesn't do something stupid like banning me from it, simply on the demands of others. I need to learn more magic for when the Dark Tosser will show up again. And he definitely will. That man, if you can call him a man, is nothing if not persistent.

Apparently, something happened at the Ministry a day or two ago, or so the Daily Prophet said. Sirius mentioned, in a hidden code he and I used in our letters, that Voldyshorts went looking for something, causing a disturbance when whatever the evil prick had planned, failed.

It's definitely him who was sending the odd dreams/nightmares, attacking my mind and causing the headaches. I'm certain of it. I've now started to seriously practise Occlumency, even more so than I was. I don't want that evil bastard entering my mind anymore.

Hermione and Ron have finally eased up on their teasing. I assured them that I don't have anyone special. Hermione seemed a little upset when I told why I didn't, why the events of the year were too much to deal with and I simply had no time to even consider finding someone. I put a stop to her suggestion of help. No thank you. I don't want someone at this point in time. Do I?

* * *

Author's Note:

I'll be uploading two chapters today, to make up for my lack of an update yesterday.


	30. Dairy Entry 30

Dear Diary,

The first week of summer is over and I have to say that this summer has been the best of my life so far.

Sirius has gone all out to make me feel welcome. He assigned me my own room. My own room! Right next to his own. He showed me how to ward it for privacy. Finally, my own private space. Yes! We've spent a lot of time together, doing all the stuff I'd assume a godfather/godson are supposed to do together. I've also spent a good bit of time with Remus, who has visited regularly. What's up there? There is something between the both of them, isn't there? I'll have to scope it out. I hope they tell me at some point.

I've used the library a great deal. I need to learn. I have to. I have no choice. Voldepants has…..what?...60?...70?...years experience more than me. I need to close the gap. I need to know more and more magic. I need to. I need to.

Hermione and Ron have visited regularly. Unfortunately, I am confined to the house, much like Sirius, but I understand why. I can read through the lines of what the adults are saying, especially as the house fills up for those meetings. The Order of the Phoenix. They are not being as secretive as they'd like to believe. Voldemort is on the move. People have started to disappear. It is all starting back up again. I have to be ready.

Sirius and Remus have begun to train me in duelling, with the backing of Moody and, surprisingly, Professor McGonagall and against the headmaster. What? Does the doddering old fool think I need to be babied? That I'll stop the Dark Tosser with sheer dumb luck again? No! I need training and now I'm getting just that.

I hope I have a better year at Hogwarts, next year.

* * *

Author's Note:

Second chapter for today. Enjoy.


	31. Dairy Entry 31

Dear Diary,

I am really, really enjoying the duelling training I am receiving. Remus is a very good teacher when it comes to theory and learning new spells but Sirius…...Sirius is amazing when it comes to practical work. He was an Auror after all and knows his stuff. My casting speed has improved by quite a bit and I am being taught how to silent cast. It's all working well so far. Sirius says I'll be able to not only silent cast but chain my spells together by the end of the summer at this rate. I cannot wait.

I haven't been keeping up with my Dark Arts practical training. It's too risky with all the people that are usually around. I also don't want to attract the attention of Sirius or Remus, though I suspect, and this is just a hunch, that Sirius knows I am learning the Dark Arts. He must know that such books exist in his library. So it is just theory for me, I'll practise it all once back at Hogwarts. Theory first.

Hermione has gone on holidays with her parents so at least I don't have to put up with her sulking because she isn't receiving training like I am. Ron calls around every so often for a game of chess against me and Remus. He at least tries to break the monotony of my days here. I'm seriously (haha) craving the sun right about now.

I received my OWL results. I received ten OWLs, with an Outstanding in DADA and Potions. I am a bit shocked by the potions result if I am being honest. My year of mostly studying (and changing classes to the more practical ones. Professor McGonagall looked proud when she saw my results. She let me switch classes at the beginning of the year to Arithmancy and Runes, instead of Divination, though she said she honestly expected me to perform poorly.) paid off if you ignore the torture.

I really hope nothing happens this coming year. I really do. I just want one peaceful year, that is all.


	32. Diary Entry 32

Dear Diary,

There was a fight between the adults today. Apparently, the Headmaster, having been the one to insist I be kept under house arrest (Yes, that's what this essentially is), suddenly wanted to bring me off somewhere with just himself. Professor McGonagall, Moody, Sirius, Remus and Mrs Weasley were all opposed to that idea. Surprisingly enough, they actually asked me if I wanted to go or not. I said no. I want no part of the Headmasters machinations. He looked a little miffed as he left. Good. The old fool deserves it.

Moody taught me today. How to quick draw a wand and fire off a few quick spells before your enemy knows what hit them. He said to never underestimate the simple spells, for you can chain many more of them together in a half minute cast than the more powerful curses. Moody may hobble around but the old man still has one hell of a fast draw and is surprisingly quick on his feet.

I learned a deflection shield charm today, 'Deflecto'. Quite simple, with an altered wand movement from 'Protego'. The Unforgivable will still punch right through it though, but it is good against some of the higher powered curses.

My birthday is coming up. I will be sixteen. I wonder will I be thrown a party? Sirius isn't very good at plotting these things in secret and I've seen the hushed conversations with Remus. I hope they don't go overboard or inappropriate!


	33. Diary Entry 33

Dear Diary,

My birthday was a blast! It may have just been the Weasley's, Sirius, Remus and Hermione who were present but it was still great. Sirius went all out on the party, somehow managing to get everything organized. I'll kill him for getting me several expensive gifts. That man! Remus gave me several books and chocolate. He has one hell of a sweet tooth, doesn't he?

Everyone got me something, for which I am grateful. I do wish that Sirius hadn't broken out firewhiskey. I didn't partake, slipping away early to head for bed, though Sirius, Remus, Bill, Charlie and the twins all had a merry time apparently. They certainly deserved the hangovers they sported the following morning.

It's now the countdown to the start of school. I hope I'm allowed to shop for my own supplies this year. I really just want to get out of this house for a while. I think I'll use the Headmaster's words against him. He certainly thought it was alright to try and drag me off wherever he had planned to go, there a week ago, so why should I not be safe going to Diagon Alley? I'd like the adults to try and talk their way out of that argument.

I cannot wait for the school year to start up again. I just want to let off some steam in the Chamber of Secrets. Is it too much to ask for some quiet time alone now and again? I'm fond of Sirius but the man just does not seem to comprehend the meaning of the word calm.


	34. Dairy Entry 34

Dear Diary,

How has my first week back at Hogwarts been? To be honest it has been….quiet. Uneventfully quiet. There is normally some drama involving me at the start of the year. This year there was none. Yippie. I could get used to this.

Malfoy was acting strangely on the Express. He looked a little lost and was far too quiet. Surprisingly enough I actually hope the ponce is okay. He looks incredibly tired and was glaring at anything that dared to approach him. I wonder what's up with him?

This leads me to Zabini. Oh my god, Zabini. I passed him on my way back from the toilet on the Express and he actually greeted me. As in, he spoke. Oh my god, that voice of his is amazing. I had to fight a blush all the way back to my compartment. I think I have a thing for Zabini!

In other news, we have a new potions professor, Snape now being our DADA professor. Professor Horace Slughorn. I have no words to describe him. He's friendly though a bit of a…...collector. He seems to like being in the good graces of celebrities and/or the rich and famous. I doubt he'd pay me half as much attention as he does otherwise. Apparently, he taught mum and dad. I honestly don't care at this point as most of my professors had taught them too. It isn't as remarkable as the man tried to make out.

I've started using the Chamber of Secrets again. I still find the Dark Arts fascinating. I've got a whole summer of practical training to catch up on. Wish me luck.


	35. Diary Entry 35

Dear Diary,

This is just a quick update on my life.

To start, I found a second-hand potions book that is amazing! I wonder who the 'Half-blood Prince' is or was? They certainly knew their potions. I actually understand potions a whole lot better now thanks to their instructions. So thank you, Half-blood Prince, you explain things better than Snape ever did.

I...um…..I have a crush. I really do. A certain hot, incredibly handsome Italian. A Slytherin to boot. Blaise Zabini! Good lord, he's…..wow…...just wow. Those eyes…(several lines of scribbled out writing) He's the very definition of tall, dark and handsome.

Right, well, I better stop before I leave more flowery writing about Blaise. I'm gone on him hard it's not even funny.

In other news, there has been absolutely no hint or sign of old Moldyshorts at all. It's as if what happened at the end of my…..fourth year…..didn't happen. I wonder what old snake-face is up to? Actually, I don't. Not really. Wouldn't it be hilarious if he was actually sitting in a comfortable armchair by the fire, wearing a pink dressing gown and fluffy slippers, drinking tea while petting his snake? Hilarious! He's most likely torturing someone at this very moment, the sick twisted fuck that he is.

I'm heading to bed. Goodnight Diary!


	36. Diary Entry 36

Dear Diary,

Okay, okay…..where to start….um. Blaise said hello to me today. Sweet Merlin that voice of his. He smiled at me. Brief yes, but it was still a smile. A genuine smile. I am so gone on that boy.

In other news, I'm keeping up my studies in the Dark Arts. Have to catch up to Tommy boy after all if I want to have any hope in facing him on even ground, let alone defeat him. I am so far behind him in the knowledge it isn't funny, at all.

How can they expect me to defeat him? How? Why? I still haven't been told why, despite their insistence that it will be me who has to face him. Dumbles keeps mentioning it in these meetings that he's been ordering me to. I cannot deny him, as he is the Headmaster. Should McGonagall be there with me? Is she not my Head of House? In Loco Parentis and all that? It's really very confusing.

I hate Sherbet Lemons by the way. I'm also refusing tea from the old codger. I wouldn't put it past him to dose me with potions. The things this magical world thinks they can get away with. They try to treat me like a child one minute and then expect me to handle adult stuff the next. You cannot have it both ways! Either I'm fully an adult or not at all. It's all so frustrating. And no, you cannot show that you are frustrated. Merlin forbid if you ever need help. It's all on you. You're a hero, after all, you're not supposed to have breakdowns or even emotions.

I'm going to bed before I do something I'll regret…..maybe.


	37. Dairy Entry 37

Dear Diary,

Some people might think I'm mad for saying this but I honestly want Snape teaching Potions again. Slughorn is beyond annoying. His attempts at getting into my good graces have become awkward, to say the least. I've not been as cooperative as he seemed to believe I'd be. I received an invitation to a Yule party that he'll be hosting. I honestly don't know if I'll attend or not. I really don't care for politeness at this point. There is a point where you just have to say no.

However, I do know that Blaise has been invited to all of Slughorn's 'Slug Club' tea parties. I attended two, not bothering with the rest. I hate that fake socializing and the poorly hidden awkwardness. But, if Blaise attends this Yule party…...should I go? Should I go?

If so, who should I bring as my plus one? Should I bring a plus one? Will…...will Blaise ask me to be his plus one? He has been observing me a lot in the last two months. He's a hard one to read.

I have no other news. Nothing much has happened. Hallowe'en, for once, was uneventful. I wonder what Voldy is up to? What is he plotting? He has to be plotting something, that's what Dark Lords do. I hope it has nothing to do with me but that is probably too much to ask. Why is he so interested in killing me? Why? WHY?


	38. Diary Entry 38

Dear Diary,

I've only just noticed this, but considering how busy I've been with training (I have to learn more spells. More. More! I need to be even with Voldie. I just have to!), learning and schoolwork, I've had barely enough time to care about much outside of my life. Malfoy is acting weird. Very weird. I know he was a little shifty on the Express but by Merlin does he look like shite. Dark circles like those cannot be healthy and he is deathly pale. Grouchy too. He keeps snapping at Blaise. I've considered cursing the blonde twat for that.

On the subject of Blaise, I…..well….I have news. Great news. Wonderful news. Brilliant news. Blaise…..he….he asked me out! The smoking hot Italian from Slytherin house asked me out. I said yes. I said yes. I said yes!

He gave me the brightest smile I've ever received from any Slytherin and he kissed my cheek. I swear I blushed the whole way through Transfiguration. I wonder does Professor McGonagall know why. I bet she does. She kept sending me smug, secretive smirks when she thought I wasn't looking. I bet she knows.

Wouldn't it be funny if the teachers and staff had a betting pool on every student for when and who they'd pair off with? A hilarious thought.

I've got to go. Goodnight diary.


End file.
